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Music Iz In Me - *screams*

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Aug. 3rd, 2005

11:31 pm - *screams*

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I'm really upset right now.

Bennie has this calendar that a friend of his gave him from sterges.
It has nothing but half naked chicks on it. I don't know if any of you know this or not, but I am VERY VERY VERY insecure about myself. I usually don't let it show. But anyways, I hate that calendar. The thing that runs through my mind is he's jacking off to that calendar when hes got me, why would he want to look at another woman when my eyes are set on him? It makes me think... is that what he wants me to look like? Makes me feel like shit basically.

Well anyways, I was cleaning his room the other day and I put my hat over the picture that was on there. It stayed there for 3 days and i came in today and the hat was moved. And there was the whore in display for all to see. I know I shouldn't have said anything but it was running through my mind and it just came out. He got real defensive and told me that if I didn;t like the way he did things in his own room in his house then get the fuck out, so I got up and stormed out of the room slamming mike's door. I was hurt. very hurt.

All I did was ask him why he moved the hat. I jsut wanted to know... I didn't mean for it to turn into a god damn war.

I feel like shit because I don't have the body I use to and I'm not as mobile as I once was. I don't feel pretty I feel fat, chunky, ugly, repolsive and bulky. I wish I was cute like I use to be. When did this happen to me?

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He just came in here and I was balling and asked me what was wrong, so I let him read the above entry and he just hugged me and kissed me and told me that there was nothing wrong with me and that I'm too hard on myself and that if he wanted another woman in there there would be another woman in there and not me. That I'm not going anywhere,and that he loved me....he also askedme if it was close to that time, I told him, it might be. Cuz I am pretty moody and not feeling well lately. Am I ovulating!? DAMN IT!? fuck this woman shit! and I swear I better not be prego yet...lol I doubt it though, we're pretty safe.

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My friend Cody is home from Iraq. He will be here 20 days before he goes to colorado for a year and a half. I'm just glad he isn't going back to Iraq. Hopefully. It's cool hanging out with him again. We have known each other we have known each other 6 years now so It's cool to see how we have changed in anyways after not being around each other in so long. Cody is awesome. Love him to death. He has seen me go through alot of shit and vice versa... he's a life long friend.
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That cook out at Amber's house was pretty cool. I had fun and Chris was drunk LOL. He was so loud it was funny. He usually is kinda quiet. He was very outgoing that night LOL. It was cool meeting Amber's friends too. Bennie and i were kinda snippy at each other.I want those pics amber...heh
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Lately Bennie has been super nice and the small things have taken a change for the better. That's why tonight threw me off. He's been more touchy feely, kissy, more verbal, great sex, saying stuff like correcting me when I say is this "yours" and he woudl say it's "ours". He took me shopping and got me a pair of scrubs,pack of socks, a new bra, new underwear, and a briefcase.He has also been telling me that he loves me alot more. I love it. That's why him moving the hat threw me off but he basically said he was fucking with me since im always covering something on the calendar. Which at first started out as a joke, then somewhere something went wrong and I got offended when he changed it. I know Bennie loves me it just kills me to see him checking out another chick. I know Bennie won't cheat on me. But it kills me to see him looking at another chicks ass or tits or whatever. I don't understand why it hurts so bad. Why does it bother me so damned bad? Its not bennie, it's something deep down within myself....i wish it would go the fuck away.....

Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
(4 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:

[User Picture]
From:[info]_miawallace_
Date:August 4th, 2005 02:18 pm (UTC)
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Men are gonna look, they are men and if you try to curb something that is a natural response in them, Then your gonna have a very unhappy man. It has nothing to do with the way you look or the person you are. Men are visual. Women don't care what our men look like to a point... When you fantasize you don't think of a really hot guy do you? You think situations am I right? But guys well they can just see a pic of a hot chick and get a stiffy. It takes more for us. After all our orgasm's are a bonus. We don't need to have them to procreate, men do. That's why they are wired differently than us. And if he does jack off to that pic, its ok. Don't make it a big deal. You don't want him hiding it or make him feel that its wrong, because as with any child if you tell them its wrong don't do it then they are gonna do it more.

I know it bothers you, as it does most women but that's because we're drilled with those feelings from our mothers, from television, and society. Made to feel that our men are looking at other women so something most be wrong with me. But its not true... if you let your man confide in you, let him be a guy you'll both end up much happier.
[User Picture]
From:[info]musicizinme
Date:August 4th, 2005 04:39 pm (UTC)
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thank you Michelle. I try to realize this and at one point I did. Like I said. I don't know why it bothers me so much now. But I do try to at least not let him see me get upset. When I asked him why he moved my hat, I was trying so hard to keep from saying it but it hurt so bad that it just came out. I think I'm a bit emotional too right now. i seem to get this way once a month....PMS I guess bring it out strongly in me. I dunno. But I am trying.. heh
From:[info]anarielraet
Date:August 8th, 2005 08:20 pm (UTC)
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Oh you know I was thinking about it, and it's not really you who's making yourself insecure. It's the fact that they even make calendars with half naked (airbrushed!) chicks, it's the fact that society says unless you look a certain way, you aren't attractive. You know you seriously are one of the cutest girls I know? You know, I have a friend who's doctor told her she was unhealthily underweight. The next day she got offered a modeling contract. Do you see the idiocy here?
[User Picture]
From:[info]musicizinme
Date:August 8th, 2005 10:38 pm (UTC)
(Link)
yea but I also realize, men don't pay attention to me like they use to. I use to have men coming up to me and offering me money to take my clothes off, even though Im VERY glad that doesn't happen anymore I do like guys flirting with me and staring at me. I see it happen once in a while, it doesn't do me any good to talk to another guy because I have so many guy friends it wouldn't phase him LOL